"How to Talk to Relatives About the Changes They'll Notice in Mom or Dad"

When relatives visit for the holidays, they often haven't seen your parent in months — sometimes longer. And while you've adjusted gradually to the changes in your mom or dad, your siblings, cousins, or extended family are about to see those changes all at once.

That moment of recognition can be jarring. You might see the shock on a cousin's face or hear your brother say, "She seems so different." These reactions are natural, but without some preparation, they can lead to awkward moments, unintentional hurt, or conflict about care decisions.

A little proactive communication can help everyone — including your parent — have a better holiday experience.

Why These Conversations Matter

When family members are caught off guard by a parent's decline, they may respond in ways that aren't helpful. Some might minimize what they're seeing ("Oh, she seems fine to me") because accepting the truth is painful. Others might panic and push for immediate, drastic changes. Some might unintentionally say hurtful things in front of your parent.

By having a conversation before the visit, you give relatives time to process their feelings privately. This means they can show up ready to connect rather than react.

What to Cover Before They Arrive

Think about what changes your visitors will notice and address them directly. You might cover physical changes such as mobility issues, weight loss or gain, or visible health equipment. Cognitive changes are often the most surprising for visitors, including memory lapses, repeating stories or questions, confusion about names or relationships, or difficulty following conversations. Behavioral changes are also worth mentioning, such as increased anxiety, withdrawal, agitation at certain times of day, or changes in personality.

Be specific and factual. Instead of "Mom's doing worse," try "Mom's memory has declined — she might ask you the same question several times or not remember your last visit. That's normal for where she is now."

Offer Guidance, Not Just Information

Telling someone about changes is helpful. Telling them how to respond is even more helpful. Your relatives want to do the right thing but may not know what that looks like.

You might suggest: "If Dad doesn't recognize you right away, just gently reintroduce yourself — 'Hi Dad, it's Sarah, your niece' — and move on. Don't quiz him or make a big deal of it."

Or: "Mom does best with one conversation at a time. If the room gets loud, she tends to shut down. You'll have the best visit if you can sit with her one-on-one for a bit."

These practical tips empower family members to engage confidently.

Address the Emotional Weight

Facts are important, but so are feelings. Acknowledge that this is hard. Your relative may be grieving the parent or grandparent they remember, and that grief deserves space.

You might say: "I know it's hard to see him this way. It's been hard for me too. But he still lights up when family is around, and your visit will mean a lot."

This validates their emotions while redirecting toward connection.

Handle Disagreements with Care

Sometimes these conversations surface disagreements about care. A sibling who lives far away might question your decisions or suggest changes that aren't realistic. Try to approach these moments with curiosity rather than defensiveness.

You might say: "I'd love to hear your thoughts. I've been making these decisions day-to-day, and it's possible I'm missing something. Can we talk after dinner when things are quieter?"

This opens the door without derailing your holiday.

Protect Your Parent's Dignity

Remember that your parent may understand more than they can express, even if they have dementia. Avoid having detailed conversations about their condition within earshot. Focus on helping relatives see the person who's still there, not just the disease.

Encourage visitors to engage with your parent directly — not just talk about them to you. A simple "Tell Grandpa about your new job" keeps your parent included in the family rather than on the sidelines.

A Conversation Worth Having

These conversations aren't easy, but they're an act of love — for your parent and for your family. When everyone arrives prepared, the holiday becomes less about navigating shock and more about savoring time together.

Call to Action: If you're feeling overwhelmed navigating family dynamics while caregiving, you don't have to do it alone. Geriatric Care Solutions supports families through every stage of the caregiving journey. Call 1-888-896-8275 or email ask@gcaresolution.com.